LSST Soccer — Earthquakes Prevail

The gorgeous desert setting of the Ritz-Carlton Dove Mountain created unusual requirements for the now-traditional LSST All Hands Meeting soccer tournament. Only the modest — but of course perfectly manicured — Brisa Lawn was available as a pitch, so our fearless LSST Soccer League President Jeff Kantor adopted international rules for 3-vs.-3 matches, and Engineer Extraordinaire Victor Krabbendam machined custom lightweighted goals. 18 participants were divided into three teams of six, allowing for rapid substitutions as temperatures rose steeply from the 6AM kickoff until the merciful 7:30AM final whistle. Games were a short 24 minutes, allowing each combination of teams to play each morning, and a three-day tournament allowed time for rivalries to build. The captain of the team not currently competing served as referee, with his teammates splayed out around the perimeter of the field to attempt to prevent hard-hit balls from flying off into the surrounding desert, and to retrieve those that escaped at great personal danger of running into cacti. This procedure worked just well enough; by the third day each soccer ball had ricocheted off sufficient cacti to be unable to retain air pressure for more than a few minutes, leading to a hilarious assembly line of balls being retrieved from the desert, re-pumped, and tossed into play barely sooner than they’d be launched into their next spiky encounter. Should we return to this venue in future, we plan to erect a 30-foot-high fence around the field to prevent the balls from crossing the desert except at designated checkpoints.

Day one featured a dominant Northern California Earthquakes team running off to six early points and a strong goal differential, as their years of playing together showed through. Chile showed a penchant for dribbling and taking hard shots to expose the youthful inexperience of the Tucson Thunder. Tucson made some masterful personnel moves overnight, purchasing the contracts of internationals Armin Rest and Jacques Sebag, and the last two days featured close games between three well-matched teams. On day two, inspired presumably by our banquet’s after-dinner speaker, who described past floods in Tucson, the Ritz-Carlton grounds crew simulated a 500-year flood by leaving the sprinklers on all night long, and the wet conditions turned our “Beautiful Game” into a slippery one. The grounds crew worked tirelessly to restore the field to prime condition for day three, and the final day of play saw a few masterful technical moves by the Thunder against their natural arch-rival Earthquakes, including goals scored on headers, back heels, and a flamboyant nutmeg by Srini Chandrasekharan. The ultimate highlight of the tournament, however, was a day two confrontation between Phil Marshall near midfield and Victor Krabbendam near his own goalbox, who taunted Phil to “bring it on” only to have the Englishman respond by lofting the ball over his head and into the open goal.

In the end, no major injuries were suffered, although tensions ran high as the final standings were determined. An agreement to implement goal-line video technology next year restored the team-building nature of the competition. Although the Thunder beat the Earthquakes twice under the direction of Dr. Rest, they were unable to stop Chile’s offense, and the Chileans in turn couldn’t unlock the Earthquakes defense, leading to 10 points for Northern California, 8 for Chile, and 7 for the locals. Magnanimous as always, President Kantor procured an ostentatious trophy marked #1 in three locations, clearly a harbinger of the Decadal Survey’s virtual trophy awarded to all of LSST the following day. In a combination of complete terror at attempting to drag this through airport security and a tauntingly motivational gesture towards the locals, triumphant Earthquakes captain Jim Bosch arranged for permanent display of the trophy at LSST headquarters in Tucson.

If anyone has information on the whereabouts of Jeff Kantor’s souvenir Jabulani ball from South Africa, please contact him. It was last seen flying off into the desert on an unnatural swerving trajectory while emitting a disturbing hiss.

Article written by Eric Gawiser